Sibling Communication

A little bit of background to begin. In my family, there are 5 children. I have an older brother, younger sister and two younger brothers who bring up the caboose (In that order). I am the second of the five children and was raised by a loving mother and father. While I was growing up, my father was diagnosed with cancer and when I was eleven years old he passed away. Growing up after that it was my mom and siblings left at the house. More the siblings then mom because she needed to work full-time to support the family. I am greatly appreciative of how she was able to provide for us. 

            At home during the school year things went pretty well. We got up in the morning, we went to school, and by the time we got home there was usually only about an hour or two before mom got home. Enough time for her to receive one or two calls when something had gone wrong or there was a fight. This seemed to be a daily occurrence. 

            During summer break, it was a whole different situation. Calls went to mom almost every hour. That’s during an eight-hour work day. That’s a lot of calls! These calls were typically met with phrases along the lines of “shape up or your grounded” or “Work it out! I don’t want another phone call!” There is one time I recall where my little brother got really upset. He was hitting and yelling and would not stop. My older brother took him, duct taped him to a chair, and carried him downstairs until he stopped and promised not to continue with his outlandish behavior. Of course, I do not condone the behavior of either brother, and I believe there is a better way for problems to be resolved.

When a parent is not home, the children have to work things out. If we had an issue with another sibling we needed to solve it or things would continue as they were. Rather than family councils, on more than one occasion we had “sibling councils” where we would get together and make plans or resolve issues that were happening or go over chores and their execution. What this did for us was create a sense of unity. At different times, there were different peacemakers. Sometimes it was the boys and sometimes it was my sister. No matter who it was it was nice to have someone there that was kind and wanted the others to be happy and do well. 

Now that I am older I see that having siblings affects my marriage and the relationship I have with my wife. She also comes from a family of five. Last night, we had her family over and my two little brothers. We played games until it got late. It was a great bonding experience. An experience only family can help create. My relationship with my siblings has also helped me learn how to communicate with Rae. When you are with your siblings you learn their “hot buttons.” Right where to press to get under their skin and sometimes it is fun to poke and prod. With my wife, I learn what those are, but know the consequences of those “buttons.” I am learning to steer clear of those to help our relationship improve and progress. I am by no means perfect but it gives me something to work towards. 

Siblings are a wonderful asset and blessing in this life. They help us learn, grow, and develop. I am grateful for the siblings I have and for the siblings I was blessed with when I married Rae. Family truly is one of the greatest blessings and siblings make a difference. What are some of the good memories you had with your siblings that helped build your relationship with them? How are you working now to continue to strengthen your bond with them? 

            

Special Memories

There is no blog post or book that creates the perfect family. Families come in all different forms, but the most successful families have one thing in common: there is love within the home. A list of ways people show love would depend on the person writing the list and there is not one that exists that is all inclusive. Depending on different cultures, backgrounds and family setups there are things that help the family run smoothly. One of the things that helps bring the family together are traditions. I would like to speak on a few different family traditions and how they affect the members of the family and hope that it will remind you of something you and your family do and how it helps strengthen those bonds that you have with them. 

            Growing up there were several different things we attempted to do every year as tradition so that we would have something to look forward to. One of my most fond memories is that of going camping the weekend before school started. No, we would not go camping in a tent but we would go to my uncle’s cabin. We would go to Big Springs in Island Park to float the river, we would ride four-wheelers, we would sometimes go on a hike and we would roast dinner over the campfire. These are some of the fondest memories I have growing up because it was time we got to spend as a family having a good time. Floating the river, we would be quiet in order to not disrupt the wildlife sometimes seeing different species of birds or even animals such as moose or otters. Riding four-wheelers we would go along the paths until we got to the gravel pits or almost stuck in mud on the trail. Hikes were always fun because we were able to get a lot of energy out and enjoy the sun. Lastly, it was not a camping adventure if there weren’t hot dogs and s’mores over an open fire. Traditions like these helped form stronger family ties and bring everyone together.

            Differing cultures bring about different traditions. There is a family is Monsefú, Perú that exhibits a different type of tradition, one that most families around here don’t do. At least not that I am aware of. Every birthday, this family kills and cooks a turkey. Now this might not seem like a big deal to many people, but for them, it is. Turkeys in Perú are not as easy to get as they are in most parts of the United States. For them it is a monetary sacrifice to purchase one when there are many other thigs they could buy. But, it is a tradition and so they do it. On the day of the birthday, the turkey is bought, killed, de-feathered and cooked. The lunch (their biggest meal of the day) is when they eat this turkey so the preparation is all completed in the morning. As birthdays approach you can even hear the little one’s asking if they are going to have a turkey for their meal. They are willing to skip the presents and other toys as long as they are allowed to participate in this event with the rest of the family. 

            These traditions as well as many others bring out the best in family members. Other traditions are best discarded. One that my family had growing up was called the “Turkey Trot.” This consisted of meeting up in the morning to run before stuffing ourselves like the dinner turkey that night. This event in my home was typically met with groans and threats to not participate in any of the daily events. For me that was a good tradition to discard as well as some others. I’m sure you can think of some like that. 

            When it comes to family and traditions it is best to look at those things that bring the family together and make people want to spend more time with each other. Traditions, when put in place properly have an amazing ability to unite members of the family and to help bring out the best in everyone. What are some of the traditions you had growing up? What are some of the traditions that you would like to implement in your new family? 

Different Interactions

When it comes to family and life in general there are many different interactions we have with our loved ones. A good quote that sums up how some of us may feel at some point or another comes from “A Tale of Two Cities” when Charles Dickens wrote, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” The worst of times are few and far between in our strongest relationships but we still pass through the highs and lows with those we love the most. There are many theories that can explain how we interact and relate with others. A few of these theories are: the systems theory, symbolic interaction theory and the exchange theory. 

            The systems theory is that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Family, when it has all its components, is able to produce more than one person could on their own. Throughout the family there are different subsystems that interact. People in the family who have different relationships and different ways of communicating one with another. Within the family system, because the members of the family are interconnected, when something happens to one member of the family it has the effect of pulling on and putting stress on other members of the family. When properly addressed these stresses and issues work to strengthen the group as a whole. Thomas Monson said, “Good timber does not grow with ease. The stronger the wind the stronger the trees.” If we stay well rooted with our families through the hard times as well as the good times, helping our loved ones with their struggles, we will be stronger for it. 

            Symbolic interaction theory is one that I find the most interesting when it comes to the theories about relationships with those we love. Symbolic interaction theory says that everything we do has some sort of meaning behind it. Because the things we do carry meaning, people we love, or others in general, interpret those things that occur to carry a certain meaning to them. One example of this would be going to bed at night. I go to bed late, and I wake up early in the morning. No, it is not something I like to do; Yes, I do it anyways. Someone might think about that that don’t know how to manage my time wisely. Although I am not perfect in my time management, I do not do it because it is the wisest thing to do. I go to bed late and wake up early so I can spend more time with my dear Rae. Due to conflicting schedules, we do not get to spend much time together. Night is sometimes the only time I get to see her and I cherish those moments, and because of that I go to bed late and get up early for class the next day. It is a way for me to show her I love her. The symbolic interaction for me may be different for her. Although I don’t believe she feels this way, she could think I procrastinate homework until the last minute or that I spend too much time on social media and for that reason go to bed late. I’m sure there are better examples that could be used but that is where the symbolism comes in. Different people take different signs to mean different things. It is important to recognize differing views or understanding to avoid conflict and contention in the home. 

            Exchange theory. We see exchange theory in many of the relationships we are a part of. This theory says that there must be equal or greater value for us in the relationship for it to be worthwhile. If someone is constantly taking from the relationship without giving, we are more likely to give up on it or walk away from it. This is seen in many of the relationships we have. Old friends, new friends, even within families. To help build and strengthen our relationship Rae and I have things we like to do together. Sometimes it is a simple walk, other times it is watching a movie, a weekly date night or the occasional trip. All of this adds to the value of our relationship. It’s a way of showing we care. 

            These theories are all taking place within our relationships, they affect how we interact with the people we love the most and they affect our other personal interactions on a daily basis. How can you see these in your life? Are there any you feel affect you more than others? 

            

Actions Speak Louder than Words

When it comes to marriage there are some myths people believe. One I fell for was that people fall in love. People fall in love, people fall out of love. This is not true!  Love is in reality a mix of many different emotions, not just one.  Love takes work. A mother stood in front of her five young children to teach them a lesson. She had her arms out stretched, she counted to three out loud “1…2…3… I just loved all of you!” The children looked at her quizzically. She then explained that love is not just words and it is not just thoughts, although that is part of it. Love is an action. In order for someone to know we love them we must show them. There is a poem that teaches this principle of love called “Which Loved Best?” It says, 

“I love you, Mother,” said little John;

Then, forgetting his work, his cap went on,

And he was off to the garden swing,

And left her the water and wood to bring.

“I love you, Mother,” said rosy Nell—

“I love you better than tongue can tell”;

Then she teased and pouted full half the day,

Till her mother rejoiced when she went to play.

“I love you, Mother,” said little Fan;

“Today I’ll help you all I can;

How glad I am that school doesn’t keep!”

So she rocked the babe till it fell asleep.

Then, stepping softly, she fetched the broom,

And swept the floor and tidied the room;

Busy and happy all day was she,

Helpful and happy as child could be.

“I love you, Mother,” again they said,

Three little children going to bed;

How do you think that Mother guessed

Which of them really loved her best?”

It is this way with our marital and personal relationships. We must show our love. 

Being a newlywed has led to a lot of joy in life. I find that I am constantly able to spend time with my best friend. We laugh together, we play together (I am convinced I will never win card games again), and we go on adventures together. Life is not all fun and games and it is not without struggles and challenges but it is more enjoyable with Rae. 

“Marriage places more demands on people than friendship, but the rewards are enormous for those who are able to work through the differences and annoyances and maintain a growing relationship. For some, the rewards are so immense that marriage is a watershed in their lives (Lauer and Lauer 1988:86).” A watershed according to Dictionary.com is “An important point of division or transition between two phases, conditions, etc.” There are many different reasons why husbands and wives love each other. Successful marriages are best built by finding the best in your spouse. 

I was blessed to marry my best friend. Something I did while dating Rae was I made a list of fifty things I love about her. I did not place them in any specific order and the list could have been more extensive but I wanted her to know how much I love her and what I appreciate about her. We have been married for a little over four months now and honestly the list continues to grow, but I think the first fifty would change a little, but the core would stay the same. She is my best friend, she is one of the sweetest people I know, I love spending time with her and love the laughs we have. I am grateful for every day I get to tell her how much she means to me. The smaller things on the list have changed slightly, and I feel as though the more we progress the more I learn about her and the more I want to continue learning about her. For you, what would be the top 10 things you believe make up a happy relationship? How are you applying these things to your relationship to make it more satisfying, happy and fun?