A Tool for Healthy Relationships

Older brother: “Prepare to lose 😜”

Younger brother: “Same to you🤥”

Older: “You’re lying?? (I won’t lose) 😂”

Younger: “😂😂😂😂😂😂wanted to be funny”

This texting conversation between an older and younger brother is an example of how much of our communication is. Texting, short sentences, with emoji’s. There are many different ways we can communicate with those around us. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, texting, phone calls, Face-to-face, the list goes on and on. There are two different types of communication used when speaking with someone, they are verbal – which includes words used and tone of voice – and non-verbal. When broken down in terms of importance, words used are of 14% importance, tone is 35%, and non-verbal makes up the rest at 51%. Due to these percentages, we see that texting and chats use the least important communication medium which can make it most difficult to understand what the other person is really trying to say. When the younger brother said he wanted to be funny was he really laughing that hard? Face-to-face communication is the best because it allows us to use both the non-verbal, and the verbal to understand what others are trying to say. One of the main reasons people communicate is because they want to feel loved, understood, and appreciated. 

There are likely many times in life when we will leave a conversation feeling frustrated or misunderstood and the other person has no clue we feel that way. Depending on how we fill in the blanks of the conversation, the things that were not necessarily said or done but were implied on our part will determine our perception of the conversation. Sometimes we need to translate rather than react. This is not always easy because naturally we want to react to what is happening. Something happens and we have an almost automatic way of responding. When this happens, if we can take a step back and attempt to understand the other person, make them feel as though they are being understood, in the end everyone will be. In communication, an offense and a defense look a lot alike. Many times, both sides feel they are on the defensive side but at the same time both feel the other is on the offensive. This makes for some great miscommunication. To help with these communication issues there are five keys to successful communication that can be used. 

1.    Disarming technique

2.    Empathy

3.    Inquiry

4.    I feel statement

5.    Expressing genuine appreciation and admiration

The disarming technique is a way of deescalating the situation. In order to use this tool, we must look for truth in what the other person is saying. This can be difficult at times, especially if all the other person wants to say is “you are a jerk”, but we must look for truth in what is said. 

Showing empathy is a great way to help a situation. Empathy has a way of putting us on the same team. It shows understanding and a desire to be on the side of the other person trying to understand where they are coming from. 

When conversation gets heated or there are issues it is good to ask questions for better understanding. Inquiry helps us clarify what is going on or find details that will help create a resolution.

I feel statements can be some of the most useful. The statement for this will go something like this:

When ____(Observable/measurable event)______

I feel ______(Emotion)____________,

Because _____(I was thinking)__________.

I would like _________________________.

When stated this way we do not place the blame on the other person, we rather say what occurred, how we felt when that event occurred, what we were thinking and why we felt that emotion, and what we would like to happen or how we think it should have gone. If both sides will work towards this type of communication model without having too much pride to get to the bottom of the issue it will be more easily resolved because both sides will have better understanding. 

Lastly, express genuine appreciation or admiration for the other person. We should be sincere when speaking with others and show our gratitude for them and what they do. There is always something good we can say about another person. 

If we will use these communication tools in our relationships, especially in our marriages (in a new marriage this will be vital) we will better be able to resolve questions and concerns we have. There will be less contention in the home and our marriages will flourish with mutual understanding. We all have needs that need to be met, and effective communication is the medium through which this can occur. 

Moving On

            There are many different events in life that shape us into who we are. This shaping is determined by how we act or react to events. We do not react to an event itself, the event is something that just happens, there is no emotion attached to it. How we see, think, and feel about an event determines how we remember it. An example of this would be the country music concert I went to by Easton Corbin. As a young teenager, I absolutely despised country music. I would not listen to it and if I was in the car with someone who did I would not allow them to listen to it. Last summer, early into my twenties, I moved down to Texas for a season. Before I moved down there I had heard some country music so I continued to listen to it as I drove there because it reminded me of home. I came to appreciate the music, especially the voices of the singers. Although I had never heard any of the music by Easton Corbin before the concert, I enjoyed the concert and would be more than willing to go again were the opportunity to present itself. During my teenage years there is no way I would have gone to that concert. Our belief of events is shaped by our perception of them. 

            When bad things happen in life, the same principle applies. The way we see tragic or hard events has a way of shaping us into the person we are. We do have control over how we react to these situations. There was a young man who, at age nineteen, left his home and went to do service in Peru. He left everything he had behind and was thrilled at the opportunity to help other people and to learn a new language while he was there. This excitement lasted for quite some time. That is, until he was robbed, robbed again, and robbed again. This event sent him spiraling into a dark place. It was hard to smile, hard to leave his room, and hard to see much good in the world. A vibrant young man become dulled and hesitant to continue. He wanted to go home. It took some time, but he was able to start making some progress in returning to the way he had been before being robbed. His mindset about the event slowly changed from something scary, to something that he could use to feel compassion for those around him. After this young man got home he was able to continue changing his perception of the event to slowly get over it.

            In some marriages, there are things like abuse and mistreatment that may take place. No one wishes this on anyone and it is not okay. After an event like this occurs there are different reactions that can take place. A negative event like this can be just that, a negative event, or changed into a positive event. Not a positive event for what transpired but used as a stepping stone to continue to grow and progress as an individual. There is a formula for someone trying to escape their terrible feeling or emotions about events like this that could be helpful. The formula is: Minutes of life divided by minutes of abuse. If we look at the amount of time that abuse or a negative situation impacted our life, it might be a significant amount of time and one may need to search for someone who can help them. If one looks from the formula perspective they might be able to see that it was such a brief moment that it is not worth dwelling on. 

            As we face our trials and challenges in an attitude of growing and developing we will better be able to do just that. We will be able to use those experiences to help us grow as individuals and with those who we marry. It takes work and forgiving by both parts but we can change our mental perspectives to create positive experiences from life. What are some things that help you have a more positive perspective when facing life’s challenges and difficulties?

Face-to-Face Time

When it comes to marriage there are many marvelous and great experiences that you will have with your spouse. There are some things that will help strengthen your relationship and there are things that can harm your relationship. One thing that helps maintain the trust you have with your spouse and leads to a happier marriage is complete fidelity to your spouse. Always be on guard to make sure you do not stray from this. Constantly work to strengthen the unity and love that exists between the two of you. 

            One thing that is hard for many people in today’s world – both old and young -- and a place where issues can arise is on social media. Social media when not used in proper ways can be damaging to the marriage relationship or any relationship for that matter. Several of these ways are: one, that social media does not show real life. Two, that social media is designed to make you feel like you need to be there. Third, and lastly, your social media “friends” are not your close friends.

            First, social media does not show real life. Log on to Facebook, Instagram, or any other social network and you will find that everyone on there has something either extremely glamorous and happy to share or they are having the worst day of their life. The in-between comes few and far between those posts. Social media is more like a competition. People want to see who can get the most likes or comments on a post because society makes most people feel as though that is what is the most important in life. 

            Second, social media is designed to make you feel like you have to be there. The more time you spend on social media sites the more you feel like you need to check them when you are not on them. Last week I attempted to go without social media for a week. I deleted the apps from my phone and would not look at it. For the first few days it was hard! I would unlock my phone, go to click on it, realize it was not there, and shut my phone off again. It was awesome. I started to read rather than sit and scroll. I found that when I was spending time with my wife I was there physically as well as mentally. I was not distracted and I could give her the attention she deserves. 

            Third, and lastly, your social media “friends” are not your close friends. Social media, although we feel like it brings us together can often times widen the gap that exists between us and others. We see what is going on in the lives of our friends and do not think to call or meet up in person to ask how they are doing. How many of the friends that you have on social media are your close friends? Interesting to think that we sit and scroll through the lives of those we are not close to acting like we care what is going on in their lives. 

            Not all social media is bad. There are some benefits that come from social media and there are many proactive things we can do with it that can help and improve the communication we have with others and can help us contact people we would otherwise be unable to talk to. I notice my wife, Rae, stays in contact with many people she met in Mexico while she lived there. I think that is awesome! With all the good that also can come with social media I do think it is a good idea to step back, unplug, and improve the personal face-to-face interactions we have with those around us. It will better those relationships as well as our marriages. What are some things you do to unplug from social media? How have you found that unplugging from social media has improved your face-to-face relationships?

Now What?

You’ve dated, bought a ring, proposed, planned the wedding and gotten married. Now what? Life plans and goals are different for every couple. There is no right or wrong answer. You get to choose. There are important things you do during your first month and year married that can help you grow and strengthen your marriage with your spouse or possibly weaken it if not taken care of. Some important things to do in the first month of marriage might include setting boundaries, setting up your household, bed sharing, space sharing and sexual intimacy. 

            Setting boundaries is an important part of marriage. It helps us recognize what is appropriate and what is not. These boundaries are not only between the husband and wife but also have to deal with how the couple interacts with other people on a personal and couple basis. After marriage, relationships will change with friends and family. It is important to know how to live with these changes so there is balance to your marriage. 

            Setting up your household has to do with rules and roles. One partner might have certain expectations for the house that the other person does not. It is important to recognize and talk about these often so both spouses are on the same page. The first time these rules and roles for the couple are spoken of should not be during the first month of marriage. These rules and roles should be mentioned during dating. However, if you missed this, there is no time like the present to speak about it with your significant other. Rules and roles help the house run smoothly. 

            Bed sharing is different for all people. The other night while lying in bed, I fell asleep while watching a TV show with Rae. We were watching it at the foot of the bed on a laptop so when I was woken up she was asking if I wanted to flip around. I said I didn’t care. She talked me into it. I was still asleep, but according to her, I flipped around and spread out across the whole bed. She tried telling me she was falling off the bed a few minutes later so I would move. Bed sharing, if not done in a constructive manner may lead to a lot of contention. Find out what your partner likes or doesn’t and respect it. Realize that sharing a bed is going to get hot. Temperature hot. Two bodies and a bed sheet tend to make things a lot warmer than they were when it was just you. Talk about this and decide what works for both people. 

            Space sharing is important as well as sexual intimacy. Space sharing has to do with the whole house. What is going to go where or who gets to use what in the bathroom for their stuff, things like that. These small things if not resolved can fester and lead to issues, but when they are talked about in a loving way and in a good environment they can help unite the couple and add to a happy environment. Sexual intimacy should be spoken of by the couple so both feel their needs are being met. 

            There is a lot to go over in the first month! For newlyweds, this list is a good place to start. Plus, this is just the first month. The first year especially can be critical for a couple but you get to spend the rest of your life with this person so every month is going to be important. For those of you reading this who are married, what have you done in the first month that helped to strengthen your relationship? What are some things you wish you had done during the first month that you or year that you didn’t do? 

            

The "Friend-Zone": The Perfect Place to Be

“I love you.” “Te amo.” “Je T’aime.” There are different ways to say it in different languages, but to all it has the same meaning. It is a way of expressing our feelings for another through the words that we use. In Greek, there are four different words for expressing love. They are: agape, philia, eros and storge. All of these express a different aspect of love. 

            Agape is a love that is independent of one’s feelings for another. It is a love without expectations, and without benefit for oneself. It is a charitable type of love that has no bounds. Philia is a love that is more brotherly. It is a love that exists between friends. Eros is the sexual or physical romantic love. Lastly, storge is the type of love that exists between a parent and a child. At some point, we will all feel, at least to some degree, these four loves in our lives.

The love I would like to focus on today is philia.

Philia, the love that exists between friends. Why Philia? All too often in the culture and society we live in we hear the term “friend-zone.”  I don’t find that a bad place to be! Here is why: I was at a party once- a birthday party for a close friend of mine. At the party, I met a girl who would soon become one of my best friends. We had sophomore speech class together, we were in similar dance groups, and we would do group activities together like the drive-in movies. It was great, and we were good friends, but just friends. That is how we went through high school. Before I ever went on a date with her, I had gone on a date with her sister… which my friend accidentally crashed… with her mom. No, they did not know we were there, and no, it did not make it any less awkward. Graduation came and went and our friend group did activities together more frequently until we had all gone our separate ways. But me and my friend, became best friends. We would text and facetime often, we would run ideas past each other and it was great to get to know her better. I left for Peru, she left for Mexico and we continued to write until we both got home. I now see my best friend every day. She is my wife, my best friend forever. 

            For that reason, I do not agree with the term “friend-zone.” Who wouldn’t want to eventually marry their best friend? That is the best place to be. 

            Something that helps a relationship grow is not just hanging out, but going on dates and doing things together that are planned. This structure allows for learning and decision making as you are able to see the other person in a different light. According to Dallin H. Oaks, a date should be planned, paid for and paired off. This allows for interaction and allows a couple to see a person as they really are. Some of the dates Rae and I would go on were hiking, tennis, picnics, swimming, going for walks, Frisbee golf, miniature golf, and the list goes on. 

            Now that we are married, Rae and I continue to go on planned dates. Are we perfect about going on one every week? Not quite. Do they help us grow closer together when we do have them? Yes, yes they do. It is a way for us to develop the other types of love the Greeks were wise enough to mention and teach in their language. Which word do you find to be the most important? How have you seen relationships grow through dates you have been on and what are the most fun ones you have done?