A Tool for Healthy Relationships

Older brother: “Prepare to lose 😜”

Younger brother: “Same to you🤥”

Older: “You’re lying?? (I won’t lose) 😂”

Younger: “😂😂😂😂😂😂wanted to be funny”

This texting conversation between an older and younger brother is an example of how much of our communication is. Texting, short sentences, with emoji’s. There are many different ways we can communicate with those around us. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, texting, phone calls, Face-to-face, the list goes on and on. There are two different types of communication used when speaking with someone, they are verbal – which includes words used and tone of voice – and non-verbal. When broken down in terms of importance, words used are of 14% importance, tone is 35%, and non-verbal makes up the rest at 51%. Due to these percentages, we see that texting and chats use the least important communication medium which can make it most difficult to understand what the other person is really trying to say. When the younger brother said he wanted to be funny was he really laughing that hard? Face-to-face communication is the best because it allows us to use both the non-verbal, and the verbal to understand what others are trying to say. One of the main reasons people communicate is because they want to feel loved, understood, and appreciated. 

There are likely many times in life when we will leave a conversation feeling frustrated or misunderstood and the other person has no clue we feel that way. Depending on how we fill in the blanks of the conversation, the things that were not necessarily said or done but were implied on our part will determine our perception of the conversation. Sometimes we need to translate rather than react. This is not always easy because naturally we want to react to what is happening. Something happens and we have an almost automatic way of responding. When this happens, if we can take a step back and attempt to understand the other person, make them feel as though they are being understood, in the end everyone will be. In communication, an offense and a defense look a lot alike. Many times, both sides feel they are on the defensive side but at the same time both feel the other is on the offensive. This makes for some great miscommunication. To help with these communication issues there are five keys to successful communication that can be used. 

1.    Disarming technique

2.    Empathy

3.    Inquiry

4.    I feel statement

5.    Expressing genuine appreciation and admiration

The disarming technique is a way of deescalating the situation. In order to use this tool, we must look for truth in what the other person is saying. This can be difficult at times, especially if all the other person wants to say is “you are a jerk”, but we must look for truth in what is said. 

Showing empathy is a great way to help a situation. Empathy has a way of putting us on the same team. It shows understanding and a desire to be on the side of the other person trying to understand where they are coming from. 

When conversation gets heated or there are issues it is good to ask questions for better understanding. Inquiry helps us clarify what is going on or find details that will help create a resolution.

I feel statements can be some of the most useful. The statement for this will go something like this:

When ____(Observable/measurable event)______

I feel ______(Emotion)____________,

Because _____(I was thinking)__________.

I would like _________________________.

When stated this way we do not place the blame on the other person, we rather say what occurred, how we felt when that event occurred, what we were thinking and why we felt that emotion, and what we would like to happen or how we think it should have gone. If both sides will work towards this type of communication model without having too much pride to get to the bottom of the issue it will be more easily resolved because both sides will have better understanding. 

Lastly, express genuine appreciation or admiration for the other person. We should be sincere when speaking with others and show our gratitude for them and what they do. There is always something good we can say about another person. 

If we will use these communication tools in our relationships, especially in our marriages (in a new marriage this will be vital) we will better be able to resolve questions and concerns we have. There will be less contention in the home and our marriages will flourish with mutual understanding. We all have needs that need to be met, and effective communication is the medium through which this can occur.